Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”