[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Flock of bats
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
dads on road-trips be like
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.