Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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Oh I donât know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK ITâS GOING?
[at a party]
Friend: letâs play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
This is true.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now weâre both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Google Maps says itâs a 29 minute walk, but whereâs the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I get more offended when my dog doesnât say hi when I get home than if my kids donât acknowledge my presence.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldnât you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I should have peed before I left and other things Iâll never learn: A memoir
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you donât open google maps and type âTim Hortonsâ you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……đđ
Consistent as a McDonaldâs ice cream machine
that wasn’t the question
Interviewer: Letâs start with a simple question; whatâs 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: Youâre hired!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood