I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address