[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
You Might Also Like
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Lunatics are gonna loon.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’m giving up for Lent.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”