Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Incredible customer service.
Jogging
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.