Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!