You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.