Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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Why are bridges so flammable.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
mentally somewhere in italy
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams