Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You Might Also Like
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Last-minute gift idea!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.