Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.