This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
HR said no more nunchucks.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*