Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You Might Also Like
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
guys i’ve cracked the code
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.