The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.