What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.