Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : If a bear attacks me, I'm staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@3sunzzz: [aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it's just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?!

um, fish

@3sunzzz: My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@3sunzzz: Even if you're really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970'S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@3sunzzz: "I think this cereal has gone bad." *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

@3sunzzz: [interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

@3sunzzz: [fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We're on the 12th floor...
*sigh*
I guess I'm dying in a fire.

@3sunzzz: Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.