*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it's just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?!
@3sunzzz: My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
@3sunzzz: Even if you're really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970'S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@3sunzzz: [interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We're on the 12th floor...
I guess I'm dying in a fire.
@3sunzzz: Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.