Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : Stop blaming your parents. You're 32. Blame your spouse.

@3sunzzz: I'm not one to bet, but I'd put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"

@3sunzzz: [bed]

M: "I'm freezing."

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: "I'm hot, get off me."

@3sunzzz: If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

@3sunzzz: Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring we end up having sex. I'm beginning to question whether or not I snore.

@3sunzzz: Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

@3sunzzz: Why does everyone keep telling me to 'grow a pear'? I don't even like pears.

@3sunzzz: My sign? I'm a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

@3sunzzz: So it turns out that you can't use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.