Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : My dad said it's important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I'm not one to question authority.

@3sunzzz: [Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I've done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

@3sunzzz: People that say, "If you already have a couple of kids, what's a couple more?" have obviously never had four kids.

@3sunzzz: It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you're drunk you have a lot more money.

@3sunzzz: My husband wants to Facetime me while he's in Germany. I'm like, it's going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

@3sunzzz: [phone]

H: What's for dinner?

M: I'm having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

@3sunzzz: Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I'm drunk enough

@3sunzzz: [gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@3sunzzz: My husband bought a steamer because I don't iron. I wonder how long it's going to take him to figure out that I don't steam?

@3sunzzz: You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.