Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : I don't mean to appear simple-minded but I don't understand how snails made it to Noah's Ark but unicorns didn't.

@3sunzzz: I'm not saying Coke is better, I'm just saying I've never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@3sunzzz: My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We've been together for 30 years and I still can't tell whether or not it's a euphemism.

@3sunzzz: [wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

@3sunzzz: What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

@3sunzzz: How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

@3sunzzz: "I'm not letting you outside again," I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

@3sunzzz: Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

@3sunzzz: My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, "Either you're paying her by the hour or it's 1885."

@3sunzzz: I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can't find it. Anyone free for lunch?