Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@3sunzzz: 13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

@3sunzzz: My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@3sunzzz: [little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
"It's easier if you lift with your legs."

@3sunzzz: H: I'm going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I'm going to Lowe's to pick out our new washer.

@3sunzzz: [traffic stop]

Officer: Ma'am, why didn't you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can't see a thing without my glasses.

@3sunzzz: I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

@3sunzzz: If your name is Candy you shouldn't be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@3sunzzz: M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You're a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

@3sunzzz: No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.