Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : H: The house is empty, why don't you go and slip into something more comfortable? Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

@3sunzzz: [Walmart]

3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don't eat off of the floor here, this isn't Target!

@3sunzzz: I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

@3sunzzz: H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

@3sunzzz: If you see a road sign that says 'Survey Crew Ahead', they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

@3sunzzz: 6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

@3sunzzz: M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I'm Ursula.

@3sunzzz: Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

@3sunzzz: I don't mean to brag, but I don't need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it's healthier than I am.

@3sunzzz: Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn't your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can't help you.