Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : So it turns out that you can't use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently. Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

@3sunzzz: Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

@3sunzzz: I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn't sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

@3sunzzz: I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@3sunzzz: You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you're wearing?

Sure, it's the perfume sample on page 49 in April's Cosmo.

@3sunzzz: If a bear attacks me, I'm staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@3sunzzz: [aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it's just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?!

um, fish

@3sunzzz: My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@3sunzzz: Even if you're really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970'S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.