Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : [run into an old classmate] Them: You've gained a little weight. Me: You've stayed ugly.

@3sunzzz: I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the 'crust' and eat just the 'hotdog'.

@3sunzzz: Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@3sunzzz: My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don't have the heart to tell her.

@3sunzzz: [Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I'm addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

@3sunzzz: M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

@3sunzzz: [job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@3sunzzz: No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@3sunzzz: My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I'm averaging 25,438 steps a day.

@3sunzzz: I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.