customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
why am I working on Labor Day
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.