Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.