Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 4SLars's best tweets

@4SLars : Recently, I've been politely refusing all invitations with, "I'd rather drink my own blood."

@4SLars: I realize how this looks, but that guy's neck was already like that when I got here.

@4SLars: So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I'll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

@4SLars: No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It's not just you.

@4SLars: I won't ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I'm scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

@4SLars: To be honest, the only reason I'm interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

@4SLars: [Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

@4SLars: I'm dying louder than usual today.

@4SLars: My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@4SLars: Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airport; I'm sure they know NOT bacon