Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Feels like the fourth month in January
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.