in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head