4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
found my next D&D character name
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix