Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.