I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Meow
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming