Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
this is the best day of my life
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Is this you?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please