[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
You Might Also Like
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late