Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic