Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
This is my cat’s medicine.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy