Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.