Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
the red hot silly peppers
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
my dog when i have a friend over
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Siri, fight Alexa.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER