Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Cannot stop laughing at this