Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You Might Also Like
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.