Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What鈥檚 the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she鈥檚 done pooping.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me at 14: can鈥檛 wait to travel the whole world once i鈥檓 earning my own money
me now: mustn鈥檛 forget that tupperware at work, it鈥檚 my only one
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there鈥檚 a chameleon secretly watching me.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That鈥檚 the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He鈥檚 better off now.