@ABurgerADay: [Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he'll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we're Cruise in for a Bruce in?
@ABurgerADay: [first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
@ABurgerADay: Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
@ABurgerADay: What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
@ABurgerADay: Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
@ABurgerADay: [tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
@ABurgerADay: It's okay if you didn't notice that I switched my beard trimmer's setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.