Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda