If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
You Might Also Like
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Facebook Twitter
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work