PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there