I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I like crazy people until they notice me
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.