Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You Might Also Like
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.