Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
stop
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.