UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Good morning, a spider鈥檚 favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won鈥檛 approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Went to scout a park for my son鈥檚 birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PI脩ATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy