I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A friend helps you before you need it
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer