This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
That eye roll….
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?