16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.