I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
You Might Also Like
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years