My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.