My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
and now we wait
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married