There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Mmmm canned fish.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser