And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Y’all know who you are.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either