Funny Tweeter

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Page of AbbyHasIssues's best tweets

@AbbyHasIssues : No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@AbbyHasIssues: Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@AbbyHasIssues: If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I'm trying to unlock it more than two times, I'm driving off without you.

@AbbyHasIssues: Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

@AbbyHasIssues: Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

@AbbyHasIssues: Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@AbbyHasIssues: Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@AbbyHasIssues: As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.