Funny Tweeter

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Page of AbbyHasIssues's best tweets

@AbbyHasIssues : Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM. Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.

@AbbyHasIssues: I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I'm having a great weekend.

@AbbyHasIssues: I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she's meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

@AbbyHasIssues: I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I'll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@AbbyHasIssues: I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@AbbyHasIssues: How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.

@AbbyHasIssues: Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.