Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbyHasIssues's best tweets

@AbbyHasIssues : Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men. Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I'm going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@AbbyHasIssues: It's cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won't be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

@AbbyHasIssues: Age 17: I can't wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the "good" grocery store 15 miles away.

@AbbyHasIssues: Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@AbbyHasIssues: On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to dust" for the past week.

@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I quietly say as I don't wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

@AbbyHasIssues: No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@AbbyHasIssues: Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@AbbyHasIssues: If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I'm trying to unlock it more than two times, I'm driving off without you.