Funny Tweeter

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Page of AbbyHasIssues's best tweets

@AbbyHasIssues : Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars. Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

@AbbyHasIssues: Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

@AbbyHasIssues: Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@AbbyHasIssues: Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@AbbyHasIssues: As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

@AbbyHasIssues: You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.

@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I'll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

@AbbyHasIssues: Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we're both living the dream