Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbyHasIssues's best tweets

@AbbyHasIssues : No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn't know you needed to buy the first time.

@AbbyHasIssues: My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

@AbbyHasIssues: I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@AbbyHasIssues: Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

@AbbyHasIssues: If I won the lottery, I wouldn't go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

@AbbyHasIssues: I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@AbbyHasIssues: How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

@AbbyHasIssues: Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

@AbbyHasIssues: I can't remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I'm your gal.

@AbbyHasIssues: 1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don't fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.