If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You Might Also Like
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast